Immunizations No Cure For Dreaded ‘Advanced NASCARitus’

Charlotte, NC

Advanced NASCARitus.

I shuddered when my doctor gave me the diagnosis. After years of trying to pinpoint my health problems, I was prepared to accept just about any kind of determination ? heart valve replacement, brain aneurysm, enlarged prostate, bubonic plague, restless leg syndrome, cough due to cold ? anything.

Anything, that is, except for Advanced NASCARitus.

The doctor?s diagnosis rocked me to my core, but it all made sense somehow. Ever since becoming a working NASCAR member in 1986, I?ve been tired, rundown and just generally out of sorts. For years, we just chalked it up to an insane travel schedule, countless sleepless nights thanks to early garage openings and late-night races, and an endless string of bad meals and snacks on the run. Now the picture was clear. I had an advanced case of NASCARitus.

If I had just had my shots, maybe this wouldn?t have happened.

Then again, I didn?t even know there were immunizations available for the dreaded racing disease until a week or so ago when the House Committee on Homeland Security suggested that staffers doing election research at Talladega Superspeedway and Lowe’s Motor Speedway should get their shots before attending.

What could I have been thinking all these years? Who knew?

In typical government fashion, they tried to cover up the situation stating the shots would protect staffers from several minor diseases such as hepatitis A and B, tetanus, diphtheria, and seasonal influenza. Like most pills or vaccines on the market today, what they didn’t tell you is there are always conditions that may occur as a result of taking the cure for NASCARitus.

Here?s a dozen or so other conditions the newly minted serum provides no immunity for ?

Multiple playings of the song ?Sweet Home Alabama.?

Warm Beer.

The Chase format

Mind numbing odors in racetrack rest rooms and port-o-lets.

Six-dollar hot dogs.

Flat tires on rental cars.

Pit Lizards.

Sponsor folks on golf carts

Ear popping engine noise

Two hundred dollar hotel rooms

Race track nachos

The guy with the pea-sized bladder sitting in the middle of your row.

NASCAR post-race inspection penalties

Loud campsite generators

Racetrack traffic jams

There are countless more Advanced NASCARitus symptoms, but you get the idea.

Even the fans watching the races at home on television are exposed to the diabolical disease thanks to endless commercial interruptions, inane announcer chatter, missed restarts and race action and ? worst of all ? exposure to countless laps watching Dale Earnhardt, Jr. regardless of where he is in the running order or the point standings.

We can only hope that our government can allocate additional tax dollars to fund a research project to combat these ? and all the other symptoms ? of Advanced NASCARitus. With a reported 75 million cases of the disease every year, it surely is one of the most critical health issues facing our country today.

Until that day comes, however, we recommend you get whatever shots available. Remember, you can never be too careful when you’re attending or watching a NASCAR race.

What Chase?

After just five races of this year?s Nextel Cup Championship Chase, Rick Hendrick is already searching the back of his closet for his tuxedo. With all but everyone beside Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson pretty much eliminated from title contention halfway through the 10-race title battle, it?s a near lock Hendrick will again be at the front table when they give away the championship hardware in the Big Apple in December.

Another championship season of non-excitement and little interest is leaving us a bit flat on the Chase format. Let?s face it, once someone is mathematically out of contention for the championship, we don?t care if they finish third, sixth, ninth, or 12th.

Even worse, the cars outside the Chase have nothing to race for other than a ?meaningless? $1million bonus for 13th in the final standings.

Realistically, the most important race this year might be for the 35th position in the final point?s tally ? that?s the position that grandfathers a team into the first handful of races next season.

Regardless of the finishing positions, the Chase format ? at least for this year ? is a flop. Please bring back the old point?s system – or a new, better one that fans can understand ? and make every point?s position important again.

Share Button